Toilet humour series: World’s worst toilet

Humour

This post (originally titled: An Ode To A Commode)  is about the men’s rest room in our office!

Disclaimer: This post had been in the ‘draft’ mode for months now, and some of the issues mentioned here might no longer exist.

The generous urinal
Just as you step up to the urinal, the infrared sensor triggers the spray. Noooo, not ‘that spray’ silly — but a fairly robust spray from the urinal itself that leaves you splashed even before you have splooshed! After several such trial and error attempts (your trials; urinal’s errors) you discover the one particular urinal (out of half a dozen) that does the least damage, and ‘aim’ for it each time! Noooo, not ‘that aim’ silly!

Murphy taps
Ostensibly these are state-of-the-art taps. The kinds that you see in TV ads or glossy magazines. You push them to start the flow of water. Start washing your hands and lo and behold, the tap times itself out. Invariably taking too long to time out if you just want a quick wash of the hands. And timing out too soon if you need to have a prolonged wash of the hands. Leaving you feeling guilty or grumpy respectively. Now you get it why I call them Murphy taps? After Murphy’s Laws of course!

Issues with tissues
The tissue dispenser (which has now been fixed) was magnanimous in its dispensation of tissues. Pull one, get four free! Sadly, the environmentally-conscious part of my brain always took off on a parallel stream of thoughts — where I would hear the thud of falling trees, with every wipe of the hand. Fortunately, I rediscovered my bevy of handkerchiefs because of this!

Know thy neighbour
WCs have traditionally been known to trigger reflective thoughts in people’s minds. However the WC enclosures here not only ensure self-discovery — but that of others occupying cabins adjacent to yours! All thanks to the polished granite floor (which is as reflective as a fashion store mirror) and the partition walls that end 6 inches above the floor. Again, the trick learned over time is to occupy the WC at the end of the row — so that with just one flank exposed, you reduce by half the probability of the guy next door and you exchanging acknowledging glances through the medium of the aforementioned floor while seated on your perches!

Hold that pose
The diameter of the toilet seat is so small that at the end of a declension session you have to have an uplifting experience. Literally! You have to get your body to be in a pose such that the angle between the lower part of your leg and its upper part is approximately 135 degrees! Yeah hold that pose; no need to say cheese; just swipe/wash please! Thank you!

May the force be with you
The hand shower releases water at a pressure that would put crowd control water canons used by riot police to shame! I swear, I’m not kidding! Needless to mention that using it results in shaming you — once you juxtapose this forceful performance with the pose you held in the point above. Oh! And if you’ve also used the urinal a little while ago (as mentioned in the first point earlier) you would now have, what we management types call — 360 degree feedback!

Mirror mirror on the wall
When you face the mirror — right behind you is a window that pours in enough light to give you a haloed reflection. The kind that’s used to depict ‘Samay the divine’ in mythological TV serials. Even the most die-hard hedonists amongst us have to contend with only appreciating our silhouettes! In all fairness though, for the non-self-obsessed ones amongst us, the mirror does suffice in broadly suggesting that it’s our own physical self being shown in the mirror.

Are you being served?
And if you thought the design and fittings of this place gave you nightmares — the cleaning staff (no, this ‘staff’ is not a fitting or fixture! And not even what the dirty among you are thinking!) scare the daylights out of you. They outnumber you 4 to 1! Each one lurking right behind you. And they are ready to pounce… on the water that you spill on the washbasin counter, to mop it off! Remember, on any typical usage day they would’ve been observing closely, how you struggle with point 2 & 3 above. How you got shamed by point 1, 4 & 6. And then this! Surely one can’t see them in the eye. Not surprising, since this is the same toilet where while you may not even see yourself in the eye (point 7 above), you can have ample eye to eye with your neighbour (point 4 above)!

Now that I’ve finally embraced toilet humour as a viable enough subject, my next post will be about the world’s gizmo-est toilet from my visit to Korea.

Till then..

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My predictions for the Nano

Humour, Zeitgeist

Some may come true, some may not. I hope most may not. But remember you first read them here.

  • The first prediction: Every blogger who takes him/herself a little too seriously will write about the Nano!

  • 90% of the first 1 million Tata Nano’s sold will be bought by those who already have 1, 2 or more cars. And this proportion shall not change for quite some, as the Tata production lines will struggle to cope with the deluge of pre-booked orders. This would obviously lead to a premium being charged, and the car will be available only in ‘black’ (No, I am not referring to the Henry Ford Model T colour!), and therefore only the ‘haves’ will become ‘have-even-mores’

  • Pollution will get reduced dramatically after an initial upsurge. Obviously with traffic queues starting right at the doorstep of car showrooms only a fraction of the entire cosmos of cars on roads would actually move. The others would simply switch off. You don’t want to run out of fuel at a 5-hour stop, right? And with most cars thus switched off, pollution would obviously be past its glory days!

  • This will trigger a micro-retail boom. Micro-retail is MBA jargon for the universe of vendors who shove anything from balloons, magazines, paperbacks, or smelly backs into your face on traffic signals. More people in cars for prolonged periods of time would mean the market size for micro-retail would go through the roof. Befittingly we would now rechristen it as Nano-retail. And the category of goods that would get sold would now also include clothing, toiletries, soil-bags, batteries, mobile recharges. The next phase would also include McDonalds and ICICI Bank ATMs in the Nano behind you! Sanjeev Bikchandani apparently is already preparing plans for Naukri Nanos, so that you could switch jobs even before you switch signals!

  • Nano after having established a record as the cheapest car in the world, would now go on and set the world record for the largest number plates — with most number sequences getting too big for the number plates currently in use! I am also predicting this would give a fillip to national literacy!

  • Apple computers will file a trademarks infringement case against the Tatas. This would happen around the same time as Google search results for “nano” returning more cars than iPods! And the NRI cousin on being told, “I just bought a Nano” would stop asking “1GB or 4 GB?” Then next ‘big’ thing would then be to make Nano (the car) so small, as to be able to send it as an email attachment!

  • Tata Nano will record more sales the world over than India alone. And this will be stoutly resisted by the locals. “First you took our IT jobs, then BPO jobs and now you are taking away our cars too!” It’s a no-brainer to then predict that every time a Nano hits an Audi on a Sydney road, while the driver may or may not be hauled-up for rash driving, he will certainly have racism charges slapped on him!

  • Other predictions include:
    • A movie called ‘Nanoman
    • A restaurant menu offering you plain or butter nan-o
    • Sameer (the ‘dil‘ ‘jigar‘ lyricist) going into a ‘nano mein sapna‘ over-drive
    • A Sunny Deol dialogue, “Na yes, Na no. Sirf Nano
    • A ZEE News programme ‘Nano ya na mano

Ek tooth. Ache tooth

Humour, Language

This conversation took place a little over three months ago when I had an impacted wisdom tooth surgically removed. Wincing in pain, over the next few days, I had put up a suitable ‘status’ message on my email/chat. Niyam saw that ‘status’ message and initiated this conversation. Proof that we indeed are a ‘status’ conscious society :-p
(Even though the hehes, heehees, hahas are all original, you should see them as the equivalent of canned laughter in television comedies… if you see no humour otherwise)

niyam: ever since you’ve published your line ‘the tooth shall prevail’ my wife has developed some tooth problem and visiting the dentist everyday, and my mom also developed another problem. All Co-inciDENTALLY, eh?

me: Did they visit a doctor? My APOLLOji’s :)

niyam: heheheheheee

wicked!

when your teeth hurt, it needs GUMption to visit the dentist

me: actually it should have been –The TOOTH shall pre-WAIL!

niyam: heheheheee

yes, please change that

me: been there Daant that!

niyam: ufff!!! you and your Daante’s divine comedy

me: hehe

niyam: heheheeee

and when you need courage

you need diler

diler mehndi

me: :-) (Driller Mehndi!)

niyam: Tooth Tooth Tooth toothi iya

me: actually..it is — Toothache, toothache, toothache, tootiya….hey jamalo!

this one fits well

niyam: yup!

trust you to drill it in

me: mere Toothey drill ke tukdey!

niyam: you know the secret and the raaz of this

no wonder you are the

me: Razdaant?

niyam: Ra Howl Raaz Daant

me: :-D

me: dang! i cant even grin properly.. can’t open my mouth fully :-D

niyam: okay okay okay

time for you to get inspired for your next masterpiece at swadeshe

math teacher: what comes after 69? student: mouth-wash.

me: I have enough fodder for the next few months!

hahaha

niyam: 32 chambers of Shaw Lin: dentist report on manek shaw

heheheeee

me: haha

and what do u call teeth marks on a person’s ass?

niyam: ?

me: Butt-teesi

niyam: heheheeeeeeeeeeeee

the history of dentistry: Toothpast.

heheheheeee

me: and those guys who make tonnes of money drilling into people’s teeth?

hahaha past

Denture Capitalists!

niyam: heheheee

uff! rahul! ccchhhaa gaye

let’s have it on swadeshe PLEASE

me: hehe… lemme see

niyam: what do you call your mother’s brother in Antarctica were he a furry animal? Molar Bear

me: hahaha

What did the dog tell the bitch, to be invited to her place?

niyam: ?

me: Canine come over to your place, tonight?

niyam: yup

her address: K9, Bitch Alley

hehehee

me: hehe

Ok… whats with YOUR status message?

niyam: true.

screwed with work. this is comic relief before i go into the mince meat machine again

sigh!

ok lemme get back to work
And to all of you who have to get back to doing better things, after this “comic relief”, a very big thank you. Psst… The relief was all mine :-p

Google ads gone to the dogs

Humour

This post is an instance of digressed writing — where the writer sets out to write something that’s there in his mind, but ends up writing something else.

I am sure most of you are aware of ‘contextual advertising‘. I am also sure that some of you might have come across contextual advertising gone wrong. (Here are a few examples: here (tip from Ouchmytoe) and here). That’s almost like a genre of posts in its own right, right? (Grammatic thought: Do two ‘rights’ make a wrong? :-p)

Today, when I was researching a story, I came across this ‘contextually’ served ad-group by Google!

g-ads.gif

The ‘context’ was a story about ‘stray dogs’ and the first two ads are about ‘sexy bikini collection’ and ‘top sexy models’! Let me throw a little challenge for you to join the logical dots between ‘stray dogs’ and ‘sexy bikini models’! Ok, here is a highly ‘sexist’ (pun intended) attempt.

Context –> Stray dogs;
Look for synonyms –>
…Stray: Wayward, deviant
…Dogs: Canine, puppy
Look for antonyms –>
…Stray: Straight, on-track, focus
…Dogs: Bitches
Make combinations of the above –>
Got it? Ok, now don’t shoot me! I was just trying to see some reason!
(In case you did not get it: top sexy models = wayward bitches? Ok, now you also don’t shoot me! I was just trying to see some reason!)

But even that ‘reason’ fails when you look at the third ad! A Ganpati Bapa Moria ad, for a context of stray dogs? Fodder enough for some rabble rousers to take Google to task? :-p

But then Google knows best!

================================================

Oh! Before I forget. The reason for beginning this post…

Ever since I went to Korea, my senses have been heightened to any mention of the following two words in the same breath — Korea & dogs!

So I read this recent news piece (ok, it is no longer ‘recent’) about a legislator in India suggesting that stray dogs from India be exported to Korea, where they could be treated with respect. The same tandoori respect that we bestow on our chickens!

For coming up with such a brilliant win-win solution I suggest these legislators be sent on this junket to New Guinea.

What say you, readers? (Hello! Anybody there?)

Some funny signboards

Humour, Travel

Some funny signboards collected over time.

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Shop in Seoul, Korea:
Obviously this has a cultural context. I don’t know about other places, but in India, the little finger is sometimes used as an action-euphemism for answering nature’s call! Yeah, this was not a men’s room — just an auto-accessory shop!

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panasonicpictures-087.jpg
Shop very close to Jaipur on Delhi-Jaipur highway NH-8:
This signboard is dirty. Oh! Not for the pun in the syllabic-abbreviation S EK C — but the actual dirt on it!

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panasonicpictures-131.jpg
On the way from Shenzhen to Hong Kong:
Ahem! What in the world do they mean by Character City? So, by implication, others are characterless cities, eh?

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photo_071807_007.jpg
Shop in Coex Shopping Mall, Seoul, South Korea:
Even though this is an English word too — I read it as a Hindi word! Predictably, this shop had nothing to with India or Indians!

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panasonicpictures-135.jpg
On the way from Shenzhen to Hong Kong:
Ok, I shall refrain from spelling that out as this blog has a family audience too! (I mean members of my family read it :-p)

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Related:
Whether this disappointed you big time or interested you even a wee bit — you must check out eye5.blogspot.com for an awesome collection of Indian signboards by Nikhil Kulkarni.