Go ogle Air: A cut above the rest

Airlines, Humour, Travel

Lest you get the wrong impression, I was in fact referring to the hemlines of the air hostesses’s skirts on Go Air! And what’s the desi touchstone for measuring that? The number of heads constantly dropping along the aisle!

Go Air has got one thing right to start with — a visually snazzy graphic style (which contrasts starkly with Air Deccan’s kindergarten-quality of graphics) and use of colours in the crew uniforms.

As far as other airline specific parameters are concerned — Go Air claims to have a 90-odd percent ontime record. (Granted, my flight took off on time) Also, drinking water is on the house.

In case you didn’t know who owns Go Air, you just have to look at the underbelly of the aircrafts — where, in glory reminiscent of swanky car-stickers in Delhi proclaiming ‘Malhotra’s’ or ‘Sunny’s’ — is emblazoned — Wadia’s! The family that owns Bombay Dyeing and one of whose scions is supposedly being dated by Preity Zinta!

Credentials established, you settle into your seat and reach out for the seat pocket in front of you. Expecting yet-another-inflight-magazine on the lines of Swagat of Indian Airlines, Jetwings of Jet Airways or Simplifly of Air Deccan, what you get is Gladrags! This ensures there are plenty of glad lads around!

While Air Deccan has given its own reasons for being able to offer tickets at lower prices, Go Air further cuts costs by providing copies of its family magazine (family owned, I mean), and that too an old dated issue. Well one argument could be that an ogle-mag has no time-stamp. Fortunately, what I get is the December 2005 issue — which means, it has the complete compilation of Miss January, Miss February all the way till Miss December. Sigh! Why are there only twelve months?

Flipping through Gladrags, I was a little conscious (apart from being cost-conscious, of course!), so could not spend more than a few seconds on a each page. Which means I had reached the back-cover (of the magazine, please) in as little as a few minutes.

Wanting to spend some time ‘reading’ typed text, the only option I had was to go through Letters to the Editor (Maureen Wadia, in case you didn’t know). And one of them was a master-piece (or should I say a master-two-piece) letter which went something like this:

Dear Editor,

Please give us…
<snip>
bikini… bikini…
<snip>
bikini… bikini…
<snip>
bikini… bikini
<snip>
Aishwarya Rai… Bipasha Basu…**
<snip>
bikini… bikini…

Yours sincerely,

(Of course, I snipped out the irrelevant words!)

Time to reach for the seat pocket of the next seat, and another issue of Gladrags…

 

** From the promos it seems Dhoom-2 or D:2 is addressing this issue :)

The Miracles of India

Media & Entertainment, Politics, Zeitgeist

Yessir! It’s happening once again!

If Ganesh idols were drinking milk then, it is sea water turning sweet in Mumbai now! (In between we had the ‘monkey man’ in India’s capital city!)

The ‘milk drinking’ is due to the phenomenon of ‘surface tension’ where the milk sticks in a very thin layer — practically invisible to the naked eye — to the edge of the spoon and travels from there to the lips of the idols, to the chin and all the way to the floor. If need be, please pick up a high-school physics book, and you would understand it very easily!

The sweetness of the sea water is being explained as post-monsoon dilution of salinity.

Even though I believe the scientific explanations completely, for me that is just one aspect of this issue.

The other aspect is — WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?

So what if the idols were drinking milk, huh?
So what if the sea water is less salty than usual, huh?
What does this do for you? Makes your life less miserable, huh?

Yet we have people (urban, educated and economically better-off) in this day and age falling for, and willing to swallow this crap (literally too**), in double-quick haste and not waiting/wanting to seek a logical/rational explanation for that.

And that’s the miracle for me, sadly!

Even as I close this post, I see news on India TV that the idols drinking milk scam is back, and I can very clearly see this time around it’s not about injecting the opium into the masses in an innovative way, but in a competitive way.

 

** Mahim creek, the site for this sweet water ‘miracle’, is otherwise better known as the point where passengers on Mumbai’s western train line generally get up from their sleep due to an overpowering foul sewage smell, while passing by!

Air Deccan: low cost tickets and simp libidos

Airlines, Travel

Between my wife and I, we have had to travel a lot by Air Deccan recently. The most recent being last Sunday.

There are two reasons for this, and both customer-friendly ones:
1.) Best prices (all the hyped competition notwithstanding)
2.) Easy internet booking

However, where they falter in customer-friendliness is in their communication strategy with passengers. That too not due to a lack of effort, but their going overboard with it!

Sample this (and this works like a template, with just the variables of time and flight changing): If the flight is at 6:05 PM, they send you an SMS during the day, saying the flight has been rescheduled for 5:45 PM. Even though it seems like adequate notice, there could be passengers who have compulsions on their time, and cannot advance their schedules. And I have been receiving 3 such messages per flight, followed by a call from their Bangalore call centre.

But fear not! Air Deccan does exactly what Emirates airlines does in its ‘last and final boarding call’ announcements — put the fear of missing-a-flight-God into passengers’ minds! At best, the flights leave on their original scheduled time, if not later.

Talking of low costs, Air Deccan explains in detail in its in-flight magazine — ‘Simplifly’ (nice pun) — how it manages to bring the costs down.

Cut operating costs

  • Landing fees being lesser for smaller aircrafts
  • Reduce turnaround time from 55 minutes for most other airlines to 20-40 minutes for Air Deccan
  • Lower in-flight costs (snacks, coffee, soft drinks, juices, meal)

Cut administrative costs

  • No swank offices, fancy airport lounges, frequent flyer clubs, reduced cabin crew, “pretty lasses hired only to smile” (Now contrast this with “flying models” that Kingfisher asks for in its job ads!)

Cut distribution costs

  • Ticketing done through the Internet, so fewer ticketing offices, fewer salaries, fewer bills
  • Passengers take their own print-outs instead of 6 page printed tickets (“full of information you’re never going to read”)
  • Online payments reduce payment options like GDS

Cut fare classes and complicated accounting procedures

  • Leaner accounting and auditing procedures
  • Air Deccan Airbuses seat 180 passengers against 150 on other airlines

Cut unused space on aircrafts

  • “Every space not occupied by a passenger has been thrown open to interested advertisers” (Well if you can have brand placements in films, why not in aircrafts?)

And then tongue-in-cheek they say “…you know enough to start your own low cost airline…” (Sure, with Captain Gopinath being the investor, eh?)

In case this has caught your fancy, you may read a few more related stories [here] and [here].

 

Otherwise continue reading for something more interesting…

Air Deccan has introduced a scheme called ‘Simplibid‘, where passengers get to bid for certain goods at prices lower than their retail prices.

This is something that Sahara Airlines had introduced in its better days under the mandate of Sahara’s ‘social activities’ — as the proceeds of the bids were given to charity, we were told. Apparently that had also won some in-flight innovation award.

I had once got a wonderful deal in one such bid. A three-year subscription to Indian Auto magazine at a bid price of Rs. 60, when the starting bid price was Rs. 50! Actually it was a combination of fewer passengers and some tactical bidding (bid in a category where you expect least people would be interested) that saw me get that.

However I found it a little ironical that Air Deccan should have a scheme like this. For in an airline for the cost-conscious — such a bid programme assumes passengers would have a certain on-the-spot disposable income. Isn’t that a contradiction of sorts?

So among various categories available, I bid Rs. 920 for a 512MB pen-drive (starting bid Rs. 890), Rs. 1510 for Reebok shoes (starting bid Rs. 1490), Rs. 1610 for a Swatch watch (starting bid Rs. 1590).

And guess what — I won all!

Was I the richest guy in the flight?!!

Sadly, what I finally took was limited by the Rs. 2500 I had in my pocket :(

Note:
Tell me what catches your eye first when you see this: simplibid offer

simpli bid offer
simp libido ffer

?

I kept on seeing the latter!

 

Smart SMS from Airtel Mumbai

Miscellaneous

One could easily tag most SMS messages that service providers send out to subscribers as unsolicited spam. However, Airtel Mumbai has this smart message for roaming customers coming from other circles that has an instant ‘call-to-action’:

 

Someone somewhere must be waiting for your call. Inform your loved ones of your arrival in Mumbai. Airtel (INA 92) extends a warm welcome to you.

 

Now contrast this with the following SMS I received from IDEA while roaming in Delhi.

Dear customer, Stay connected & experience the best coverage only with IDEA. Call 12345 for any assistance. An IDEA can change your life!!

The first one addresses a customer need, while the second one is just company-speak.

Amritraj in Woodlands: Through the (rear) looking glass

Media & Entertainment, Miscellaneous, Sports

This Sunday morning my wife and I drove into Woodlands restaurant on Chennai’s Cathedral Road. Not the Woodlands by the side of Hotel Savera, but Woodlands — the drive-in restaurant. Incidentally Woodlands seems to be a very popular name for restaurants in Chennai!

Coming back to Woodlands drive-in, Chennai is unique in that right in the heart of the city you can drive in to this moderately wooded parking lot, order your food and have it either sitting in the comfort of your car or hanging around it (of course depending on the kind of car you have!). (Incidentally, Chennai also has perhaps the last of drive-in movie theatres in India — Prarthana.)

There is Chhote Miyan in Mumbai which is a busy parking lot by the day and a busier outdoor eatery by the night. But I don’t recall too many people sitting in their cars to eat.

There are tandoori stalls all over Delhi, where you would find people parked by the side of a a busy road to blare out loud music with their windows rolled down and eating some chicken on the side. Of course there is Pandara Road, where the parking lots are used as eateries.

Then there is the famous chaat stall on Shahajahan Road, where people prefer to sit in their cars ony to escape being trampled by the mob that gathers around the serving counters!

Of course there are the McDonalds drive-through outlets, which technically speaking, are the thematic opposites of ‘drive-ins’.

So, this Sunday morning, when we drove in, we saw a familiar face — that of Vijay Amritraj (of course there was the rest of him too!). Once upon a time, Vijay Amritraj was the most looked-upto sportsman in India; of course after Kapil Dev and Sunil Gavaskar!

It was indeed a delight to park our car close to him. However, we soon caught ourselves (and many others) gawking at Vijay’s entourage, which included his brother Ashok Amritraj. It was rude. So the conscientious me decided not to stare. Instead I turned my rear-view mirror at an angle, where I could see them without having to ostensibly turn my neck!

Vijay left in his Mercedes, while Ashok left in his Hyundai Sonnata. Ok, that’s an assumption of ownership, but had me wondering — who is the richer of the two brothers?

Of course Ashok struck it rich much later in life, when he and Jean Claude van Demme scripted a few successes in Hollywood. I heard him narrate his struggle story in 2004 at Frames, the annual media event organized by FICCI (read here).

In case you are still reading, we had our regular order of masala dosa followed by filter coffee!