Can you tell me the way to the MC Escher exhibition? Yes, go up the stairs, turn left, up the stairs, turn right. Oh hello, it's you again.
— Carl Maxim (@carlmaxim) January 7, 2014
"My bad!" is easily the best way to acknowledge a grammatical error.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) February 18, 2014
Before you say anything… Ah screw it, just don't say anything.
— Aditi Mathur Kumar (@adicrazy) February 21, 2014
If life gives you Adele make Adelaide.
— cluedont (@cluedont) February 23, 2014
Who wants to learn Roman numerals? I for one.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) February 23, 2014
Some people say that a slight bow is the best way to indicate assent, and I’m inclined to agree.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) February 28, 2014
Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.
— @TitansHomer (@TitansHomer) June 29, 2013
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— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) March 24, 2014
Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me. It means a lot.
— Brent (@murrman5) March 27, 2014
Alia Bhatt's nickname is Alia's alias.
— Puns N' Proses (@PunsNProses) May 24, 2014
Centre gives WB one train. Mamata sends it back. Centre sends it again to WB. Mamata again sends it back. And like that, the train will run.
— Ramesh Srivats (@rameshsrivats) July 8, 2014
Brazil ke 7-1 haadsa hua kal raat.
— Anurag Verma (@kitAnurag) July 9, 2014
"Did you like the newest Transformers movie?" "No. The book was better." "Which book?" "Any book."
— Siddharth Singh (@siddharth3) July 15, 2014
Salman Khan and Neil Nitin Mukesh, right? #kauntest pic.twitter.com/xnxqkazBZF
— Kauntest (@playkauntest) July 18, 2014
Onesie. Selfie. Bestie. The infantilisation of culture is driving me nutsie.
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) August 14, 2014
*Calls Dominos* Attendant: HiWouldYouLikeToTryOurNewPizzaTacoChocoLavaKoiJoMilaToMujheAisaLagtaThaJaiseMeriSaariDuniyaMainGeetonKiRut
— Anurag Verma (@kitAnurag) August 13, 2014
The art of subtle patronisation is harder than you think.
— cluedont (@cluedont) August 23, 2014
The best way to stop grey squirrels from multiplying rapidly is to take away their calculators.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) September 2, 2014
Knock, knock. Who's there? World Health Organisation. WHO ? That's correct.
— im here all week (@wayne_robb) September 4, 2014
The more I hear about inverse proportion, the less I like it.
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) September 11, 2014
How to serve iceberg lettuce pic.twitter.com/CQyYtqodcJ
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) September 14, 2014
Remember the old adage, keep your Glenn Close but your Miroslav Klose.
— Tony Cowards (@TonyCowards) October 18, 2012
A chocolate that is overly attached to its mother is called Ferrero Roschesh.
— kustu (@kusterd_) May 1, 2014
*Dumps bottle from an Audi* "look at that illiterate bastard, let's teach him a lesson" *dumps bottles from Maruti 800* "he had no option.."
— Anurag Verma (@kitAnurag) September 18, 2014
Today's edition of Cannot Unsee brought to by @abhishekmadan pic.twitter.com/ThEw3Q4DuB
— Sahil Rizwan (@SahilRiz) September 18, 2014
@kitAnurag *darth vader appears* *pulls out 2 light sabers* *yaad piya ki aane lagi..haaye bheegi bheegi raato me*
— #hardandrough2002 (@dhaansu_handle) September 25, 2014
How to succeed on Twitter if you aren't funny: 1. Follow everyone. 2. Retweet everything. How to succeed on Twitter if you are: 1. Tweet.
— Token Geezer (@Token_Geezer) September 26, 2014
We get it poets: things are like other things
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 8, 2014
The Communist version of Grammar Nazi is Punctuation Marx.
— James Martin (@Pundamentalism) October 4, 2014
Some people accidentally upload photographs when Instagram is only to post hashtags.
— Anurag Verma (@kitAnurag) October 10, 2014
Saying @k_satyarthi's Nobel is a great honour for India is like saying @MalalaFund 's Nobel is a great honour for the Taliban.
— Vinay Aravind (@vinayaravind) October 10, 2014
Paying life-long for a moment a brief moment of passion ;-) pic.twitter.com/dgaHLkNlJX
— Funny One Liners (@ouchmytoe) October 14, 2014
I feel like guy on the left did a much better job of making his extra hand disappear. Guy on the right is all but um. pic.twitter.com/HrLUwlCVfy
— Entha (@enthahotness) November 12, 2014
Explaining how dial-up modems and BBS systems worked to someone born after 1990 feels like explaining rubbing sticks together to start fire.
— Linda in Disguise (@LindaInDisguise) November 15, 2014
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 2, 2014
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?” “A plumber” “Great! And why a plumber?” “I just love plums”
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) November 26, 2014
In about a year all news websites will just consist of one page with the headline "20 Things You Didn't Know About Yesterday"
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) November 22, 2013
"Halt! Who goes there?" "Hi, it's Hugo, actually" "Sorry, my bad! Halt! Who go there?" "Hugo" "Hugh go there?" "It's Hugo" "I said!" "HUGO!"
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) December 4, 2014
Haha. There's a quiz on me. Feeling very celeb. And I scored er… 11 on 12 because they got my hostel wrong. http://t.co/crdHoXhxC3
— Ramesh Srivats (@rameshsrivats) December 5, 2014
"Dear sir, your payment is outstanding…" "Why, thank you! That's very kind of you. Your invoice was rather lovely too!".
— Moose Allain (@MooseAllain) December 5, 2014
For @DDNewsLive anchor @Aayenah_Pahuja who was ridiculed for her mistakes & felt suicidal afterwards: https://t.co/189rsq0YrQ @DDNational
— Papa CJ (@PapaCJ) December 5, 2014
There something sad about this. Sad and melancholy. Melancholy, yeah! :-p pic.twitter.com/Ters6b6EZ8
— Kauntest (@playkauntest) December 7, 2014
Here's more proof: Daler Mehndi > Psy http://t.co/54VkLwuscc pic.twitter.com/YNRYG71rD4
— Kauntest (@playkauntest) December 7, 2014
In 2 Minutes, This Guy Explains The Plight Of Women In India, From Girl Child To Gauahar Khan http://t.co/mHAn5R3mWE pic.twitter.com/hBUaoDd6Dr
— BuzzFeed India (@BuzzFeedIndia) December 7, 2014
Ever realised how fucking surreal reading a book actually is? You stare at marked slices of tree for hours on end, hallucinating vividly
— Katie Oldham (@KatieOldham) December 9, 2014
"WowSoPunny: I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg." @rrazdan
— Niyam Bhushan (@niyambhushan) December 12, 2014
I think therefore…1 am.
— Yawn (@YawnThePost) December 15, 2014
Children studying history in school will get confused for life after reading this :) pic.twitter.com/O9TeHXx98c
— vikram sathaye (@vikramsathaye) December 22, 2014
I say. Essay. Assay. ऐसे. 